vancerains.com

I hate the word “should!” I really, REALLY hate it.

To me, “should” is much worse than any four-letter word you can think of – and I can think of quite a few (I was in a fraternity).  “Should” is an evil, dirty word.

If it were up to me, “should” should – I mean, “would” – be banned from the English language and it’s equivalent in every other language. Laws should – I mean, need to be – passed to banish “should,” under penalty of something really, REALLY, REALLY severe!

If I could, I would add an eleventh commandment: “Thou shalt not should!”

And, yet, I hear “should” and read “should” a LOT! In fact, I’ve recently noticed countless social media posts asking questions, asking “Should…” Just yesterday, someone posted, “Should older women with grey hair grow their hair long or keep it short?” Are there rules about such things? If so, who makes these rules? Was this post written by an aging someone, wearing her greying locks longer, but concerned about the opinions of others? Or was it written by someone judging the greying hairstyle of another?

Here’s the problem, “Should” is a shame-filled myth that doesn’t actually exist. If I “should,” that means I didn’t or don’t. If I “shouldn’t,” that likely means that I did or possibly will. “Should” sets an unreasonable, unrealistic, unattainable standard for what “should” or “shouldn’t” be. “Should” isn’t reality. It never happened and likely never will.

I “should” be better looking, but I’m not.

I “should” have gotten better grades in school, but I didn’t.

I “should” lose weight and get in shape, but I’m haven’t.

I “should” have saved more for retirement, but I didn’t.

I “should” be nicer, but I’m not.

My sermons and blogs “should” be shorter and more interesting, but they obviously aren’t.

I “should” be a better husband, father, grandfather, son, pastor, citizen, American, Christian, etc., but I’m not.

I am who I am. I did what I did. I do what I do. I grow and improve as I grow and improve, or not.

By the way, these are all just hypotheticals. But, if you’d like to talk about ways I can improve in any of these areas, or others, I’m open (I suppose) to constructive, concrete suggestions (maybe, if your gentle). But, don’t you dare, ever, tell me I “should!”

“Should” is moralistic.

“Should” is condemning.

“Should” is opinionated.

“Should” is unkind.

“Should” drips with disapproval.

“Should” is the source of truckloads of self-condemnation.

“Should” just makes people feel mad, bad, or sad about themselves or whoever it was that “should” on them.

Instead of saying, “You should really lose weight,” try saying, “I’m concerned about your weight” or “I find your weight unattractive” – though, the second one sounds too mean.

Instead of saying, “You should vote Republican (or democrat),” try asking, “May I tell you why I vote Democrat (or Republican)?”

Instead of saying, “You should care more about your job,” try saying, “I’m concerned about your job performance.”

Instead of saying, “You should try harder,” try asking, “What would motivate you to try harder?”

Instead of asking, “Should I do this or that?”, try asking, “I can’t make decision. May I ask for your input?”

You’re probably wondering who “should” on me, to get me so fired up about a stupid word. No one. At least, no one recently. None of my examples have been said to me, thankfully, that I recall. But I’ve been “should”-on plenty of times in the past. So have you.  And, like you, I’ve probably done my share of “shoulding” on others. If I’ve ever “should” on you, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that (see what I did there?).

In the future, why don’t we all just keep our “shoulds” to ourselves!