vancerains.com

It’s no secret to anyone that I’ve let my hair and beard grow.

I used to have very long hair, earlier in my adult life. But, when I was a campus minister, I the parents of my students freaking out, worried about what kind of cult-leader would be forming their child’s spiritual life (more than a few may have worried about that even after my hair was cut!). I also had to raise a lot of money from nice, older Methodist ladies, who gave more to a campus minister with shorter hair.

But I’ve always claimed to remain “long haired” in my heart! And I’ve always intended to grow it long in retirement, when hopefully it will be pure white like my grandfather’s – so far, still mostly brown, but with silver highlights.

About the time my granddaughters were born last year, I started letting my beard grow. I’ve had facial hair of different styles for the last twenty years. But I’ve never grown a long beard. I never planned to grow a longer beard. But, when the granddaughters arrived, the beard demanded liberation! My beard IS predominantly white, with a few dark streaks tenaciously hanging on. The dark streaks remind me of my biker days!

One day my wife asked why I was waiting to grow my hair. If I was growing my beard, she asked, “Why not grow your hair too?” And I did. My last haircut was January 2026 – I think. I probably should get a trim – I certainly need one! – just to groom the uneven parts. But, for now, I’m waiting. Growth trumps grooming!

The hair and the beard have received mixed reviews, but relatively few criticisms – that I know of. Though, I’m sure people have opinions! Yes, I’m aware pastors typically have a more conservative appearance. Whatever… When have I ever been “typical”?

I served a church during my seminary years, when my hair was much longer. I recall a member of the choir complaining my hair was too long. I replied, “You know Jesus had long hair.” She replied, “Honey, you ain’t Jesus. Get a haircut.” I’m sure she misses me and my long hair.

A local politician, running for Mayor, recently complimented how voluminous my hair is. My future mayor has advised, “NEVER CUT IT!” Yes, Madam Mayor!

When I recently baptized my youngest granddaughter at her Episcopal Church, the priest referred to me as Lumberjack-Hippie-Jesus. He later offered an apology, but none was necessary!

Since then, I’ve been compared to 70s and 80s musicians, including Bob Seger (of Silver Bullet fame), a Doobie brother, and Kenny Rogers – none of these are exactly the look I am going for.

I’ve also been asked if I am trying to look like the guys from Duck Dynasty. No.

A guy at my gym said I look like a professional wrestler from the 1990s, who dressed like a pirate. Not being a professional wrestling fan, I’m not sure…

The trainer at my gym assumed I was a Harley Davidson mechanic – not a high- steepled United Methodist pastor. Ironically, I couldn’t even change my bike’s oil and filter!

A pastor I know says I look like John the Baptist and church member thinks I look like an Old Testament prophet. I’m ok with either. I’ve been thinking about which prophet I would like to be. So far, I’ve come up with Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, Jonah, the reluctant prophet, or Zephaniah, the hardest prophet to find and the most often forgotten.

Some people haven’t recognized me at all, which would be convenient if I were running from the Law. I’m not… or am I???

But, more than anything, I’m asked most often if I’m becoming Santa Claus. Perhaps my body shape and jovial demeaner (you do find me jovial, don’t you?), and the recent births of three granddaughters have something to do with that.

At this point, my hair and beard are WAY to dark for any self-respecting Santa Claus! Time will tell if I ever attain the necessary white beardedness for the job. A man with hair as voluminous as mine could never wear a wig or fake beard!

Is becoming Santa my goal? No, it’s not – though I did have an interesting chat with a professional Santa a few years back. Am I against dressing up as Santa for the right occasion? No, I’m not – but it will have to be the right occasion!

I do have a theory: it’s hard for a pastor to be respected once he/she’s been seen in their underwear, dunked in a carnival dunk tank, or dressed-up as Santa Claus. I’m not sure how I developed such a theory, but my convictions are unwavering – thus far.

So, any potential Santa impersonations will have to wait for retirement and much longer, whiter hair – and a stylish red suit and hat, I suppose.  In the meantime, I’m striving to lose my Santa-like belly, which may require the future use of a tummy pillow – no white wigs or fake beards, but a tummy pillow is acceptable.

So, if you happen to see Santa Claus this year, you can be assured it won’t be me – not yet. Maybe you’ll actually see the real one!

I suppose I should be honored by the Santa comparisons.  Who doesn’t love Santa?  He’s well-traveled, generous, good with animals, and seems pretty lenient regarding his naughty list! He also has voluminous lochs!

Who doesn’t love seeing Santa at the mall or at the end of the Macey’s parade? What child’s eyes don’t light up when they see the white beard and red suit, and hear the familiar “ho, ho, ho”? Though I’m also ok with comparisons to Jesus and John the Baptist, Santa must be way better than any 70s/80s musicians or a pirate wrestler!

Likely you’ve read this far expecting a punchline, an explanation, or a justifiable rationalization for my pre-retirement hair growth. Sorry. I have none of the above. It was just time. The imaginary long-hair in my heart must come out! My beard demands liberation! And, Santa… well, who knows…?